in third grade, i lost all my friends. i do not know them anymore. we grew apart when i was 9, when everyone around me thought i was mean and awful. i promise i wasnt as bad as they said. when i was 9 i met alastair, and befriended him. he was a girl then, and used a different name. he seemed so nie at first. he was funny and liked being around me. in hindsight, he isolated me and made me feel alone. 2019 was not a good year. i had one friend and he treated me like i was disposable and not even a person half the time. my mom never liked him, and i guess she was right. when i was nine i became depressed due to isolation. im still depressed, though i have more real friends. in 2021 i realised i wasnt a girl. what i was, however, was still confusing. the world was sick, and i only had one friend who wasnt even a good one. i was endlessly lonely and sad and my only solace was books and the internet that raised me more than my own parents. youtubers like KubzScouts and LaurenzSide, random bloggers i befriended through tumblr. many of my friends i met through tumblr, like dino and sebastian and maria. i played games like minecraft and terraria. i listened to crappy pop music and screamed along to it. i remember reading the worlds worst harry potter fanfiction. after harry potter, my upper elementary phase, came the percy jackson and marvel phase in early middle school, then avatar the last airbender and gravity falls in late 7th grade, then camp camp and hazbin hotel in eighth grade. and of course we cant forget the defining show of me age 11-13, sanders sides. the pandemic didnt change much for me. i was already usually at home. i thrived in online learning. i loved not constantly dealing with all the judgement and hatred of my classmates.